Instead of Telling Yourself to "Stay-Calm", try Self-Labeling
Everyone knows that when you are offended, you should take a breath, keep calm, and not
react with all your emotions. Especially in a negotiation.
But keeping your cool is really hard.
You want to be the badass that always has a slick comeback to every attack or challenging question.
But even when you do come up with a great comeback, you regret it afterwards, usually sooner than later.
So here is what to do instead:
Instead of trying to keep calm, try self-labeling
Think back to your last argument. Did you raise your voice? Did you counter a challenging question or point with an aggressive comeback? What might have felt good in the moment usually comes back to bite you.
Try to take a step back and look at it again from a bird's-eye view. Look at it neutrally: how would you mediate between the two parties? Did the aggressive comeback help?
Our brain is designed to react fast; it doesn’t wait for careful analysis when it senses a threat; it moves to protect. We need to teach ourselves to find the gap between trigger and reaction, to reach a point where we can analyse!
Otherwise, we rally into a vicious cycle where emotion takes the lead, defenses go up and a win-win becomes difficult to achieve.
Trust is earned slowly but lost quickly
One emotional reaction can destroy the rapport you've built and lose it all for you and never win it! So here is what you can do instead:
Self-label before you respond
Telling yourself to stay calm sounds simple, but it is practically impossible.
Self-labeling is more concrete.
When you feel emotion building up inside you, put words to it internally.
“I’m getting irritated.”
"I'm angry because this feels personal.”
“I don’t like how they phrased that.”
“It feels like they’re questioning me.”
Labeling your own feelings like that slows your reaction down just enough to stay present. It creates a gap between the trigger and your reaction.
It opens the window of opportunity for you to stay in control of yourself and, as a result, the conversation.
Once you have recognized and labeled what's going on inside you, ask yourself the following question:
“Is what I’m about to say going to have a positive impact?” Most of the time, the honest answer we have to give ourselves is "No."
It is not going to have a positive impact. It won't move our conversation in a positive direction. It is not going to build trust. It is just going to make me feel good for a second.
Now we know what to do!
No one will notice your pause
Has anyone ever told you that you are speaking fast or could pause for at least 2 seconds? That's because we usually don't. But our counterparts need breaks too, to process.
No one will notice if you take a few seconds to self-label and ask yourself about the impact internally.
And this gap, this silence, is our superpower. It is not a vague "I have to stay calm" rule we impose on ourselves. It is a strategy. Self-label, ask about impact and then:
Set the tone
By actively deciding your next step and setting a calm tone with your voice, you set the tone
for the rest of the exchange and will have achieved way more than with a slick comeback!
About Me
After more than ten years in the international software and start-up world, I know the pressure to perform in modern careers.
As a systemic coach and reserve soldier, I know how important clear communication, accountability, and trust are for teams to function effectively.
Are you ready for the next step?
Whether it is a conflict in your team, a lack of motivation, or communication issues. The first step for change is always a conversation. So let's have one:
We will address your questions in a 15-minute conversation and determine whether and how we can work together.
I look forward to getting to know you!
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