Money and fame don't make a happy life - good relationships do.
- Jakob Hysek
- 3 days ago
- 3 min read
Imagine being able to follow many people throughout their entire lives to discover how you can lead a healthy and happy life.
Guess what? It's been done.
80 years ago, Harvard University started the Harvard Study of Adult Development. The study has followed over 700 men from two very different backgrounds. Half were students from Harvard University, the other half were boys from Boston's rougher neighborhoods. The researchers continually conducted medical, physical, and psychological exams every two years and, since then, have collected unparalleled insights.
The most important finding can be easily summarized into one sentence:
Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. What Makes a Good Life? Lessons from the Longest Study on Happiness | Robert Waldinger | TED
If you prefer not to read my interpretation, you can watch the study's 4th director, Dr. Robert Waldinger, summarize what they are doing and what they have found right here, in his acclaimed TED Talk in Boston:
3 Lessons about good relationships
The study revealed that close relationships are what keep people happy throughout their lives, not money or fame. Those close social ties protect people from life’s discontents, help to delay mental and physical decline, and are better predictors of long and happy lives than social class, IQ, or even genes.
That finding proved true across the board among both the Harvard men and the inner-city participants.
“The surprising finding is that our relationships and how happy we are in our relationships has a powerful influence on our health,” said Robert Waldinger.
The study identified 3 lessons about good relationships:
Social connections are really good for us. Loneliness kills.
Socially well-connected people are healthier, happier, and live longer.
It is not the number of friends you have or whether you are in a committed relationship.
It is the quality of your close relationships. High-conflict relationships turned out to be more detrimental to our health than getting divorced.
Good relationships protect not just our bodies but our brains from declines such as dementia.
Especially at point two, one needs to understand that having a good quality in a close relationship does not mean that these couples never argue. It just means that when push comes to shove, they know they can count on each other!
If we know this, why don’t we all live by it and focus on good relationships?
Because we are human. As humans, we like quick fixes. We do not want to put effort into things.
However, relationships are messy. Relationships take time, need your continuous attention and effort. Building a good relationship is a lifelong mission.
“Taking care of your body is important, but tending to your relationships is a form of self-care too. That, I think, is the revelation.” - Robert Waldinger
People who “faired” the best over the 80-year-long study were people who leaned into relationships with family, friends & community.
Dr. Robert Waldinger closes his TED talk with the following quote:
“There is no time so brief as life for pickerings, apologies, heart burning, callings to account. There is only time for loving and but an instant so to speak for that. The good life is built with good relationships.” - Mark Twain
Do you attend to your (good) relationships?
So what about you? When you think about your current social circle, what are your close, quality relationships? Do you take enough time to maintain, attend, and strengthen your relationships?
What could leaning into relationships look like for you?
Could you replace some screen time with people time?
Have you ever tried to liven up a stale relationship by doing something new together?
Is there a family member whom you haven’t spoken to in years? Maybe you could & should reach out to them?
Have you ever heard of this study?
Do you like these ideas, but do not know how to start taking more care of your personal relationships?
No worries, I am here to help:
Are you unsure if we are a fit, or still have some questions or concerns? Let's get to know each other first in a 15-minute conversation. We will address your questions and figure out if and how we can work together.
I am looking forward to hearing from you!
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